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Obsessions and Dating
by Jared Kant

I've really done it this time. I have just committed to writing an article about the most terrifying thing in the universe and somehow tie it in with OCD as well. While I get my bearings, I should explain that under no circumstances do I claim to be either an expert at dating or an expert on the universe. It has been argued that I'm an expert on OCD, mostly by myself, and mostly with the argument “I have OCD; how much more educated can one be on the subject?” This has been met with mixed success, and I wouldn't try it out unless you're me, which you aren't.

I was reading an email that made its way around the office about the things women say and what they really mean. For men reading this article, you know what those emails are; they're chain letter decoder rings. For the women reading this article, please keep writing those chain letters because any little tidbit of advice in the dating world is sorely needed. Maybe not by everyone, maybe just by me; but, Lord in Heaven, it is certainly helpful to me. Even the stuff that pokes fun at guys, which is plentiful and abundant on the internet, has its merits. I can take it. I'm thick skinned.

These little tiny emails are actually given very little credit for the psychological value of their insight and education and are discarded primarily as spam. This is a travesty. I feel the information in there is as important because it is the underlying theme of something that is at the core of every relationship that has OCD as one of its factors.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as it's known by its full name (and how I address it when I'm angry), is a disorder that feeds off of variables. The first and most important variable in the equation is you. Or me. No, it's you. Why? Because your sanity and mental health depend on this being the most important variable.

The next variable in a relationship is the other person, the “partner.” This is equally important, but must take a back seat when it comes to your safety and mental well-being. This may sound selfish, and you can disregard what I'm saying as foolish. I won't be offended. Even my girlfriend does it on occasion.

Other variables in OCD relationships include the severity of the disease, where you are on your course in therapy, how comfortable you feel discussing your thoughts and fears with your partner, and the type of situation, the context, in which you are applying these variables.

In math, from what I understand, variables do little on their own unless applied in an equation or formula. Formulas use variables to come to a specific outcome. In relationships and all manners of life, with or without OCD, all the variables you can think of, and many that you haven't considered, are all boiled in a pot and somehow, the formula produces a result. This result is the consequence of your relationship and ultimately, how it will fare on you.

OCD introduces so many extraneous variables into daily life and even alters these equations so much that it makes day-to-day life often unmanageable. This is why dating under the influence of OCD must require absolute and strict attention to honesty, something I've been getting at the whole time and which was the subject of the aforementioned email.

Although we often answer questions about how we are doing and what we would like to do, even what we are thinking with the answers we feel are more upbeat and positive; this doesn't make it a terrific idea all the time. You know yourself. If you are not doing well, you need to be able to voice this and have it understood. More importantly, this needs to be okay with the other person. OCD or not, relationships and their success hinge on the ability of two people to respect how another person is feeling or what he or she is going through at any given moment.

Let's jump into it. It has come to my attention that girls and guys alike often answer every single question you throw at them with “Fine.” Sometimes this produces a comical result; but more often than it should, this results in sheer disaster. Fine is a very dangerous word. When used in a sentence to convey how you are feeling it gives this vague impression that everything is okay. While it's not necessarily the business of other people, in my own experience, OCD relationships require the ability of both partners to tell the other person that he or she is not fine. I'll get into this a little later.

OCD is characterized by worrying. When you ask your girlfriend or boyfriend if everything is “okay” because you have that sinking hollow feeling in your stomach, and he/she replies with a small silence and a quick “Fine,” you know, because you aren't stupid and possibly because you've read the email that went around the office, that he/she is possibly anything but; and “fine” isn't one of the words that could be honestly used to describe the situation.

When I can't get at what's going on in my relationship, it eats away at me. This is normal, I should mention. That's why giving advice on managing relationships with OCD is so tricky, so important, and so confusing. Like I said, dating can be scary stuff.

So what do you do when your partner is “fine?” If you're like me, you panic. I have spent sleepless nights going over each and every meticulous detail of the week surrounding the “fine” event and found that the only thing I've managed to do is elevate my blood temperature and pressure. This is hard to avoid, especially for some archetypes of OCD, where reassurance-seeking is a key symptom.

Another situation that was addressed, accidentally, by this office chain letter was the answer, “Don't worry about it.” Forgive me, but to the author of that email, “What? Are you stupid?” We OC folks are better at worrying than almost any other group of people in the world. If you tell us not to worry about it, chances are, we have already worried for six or seven hours to make sure that we had a good head start before you could even utter the words “Don't worry about it.” This is a pointless, ridiculous, and sort of insulting statement.

Now this raises a question or quandary that is not unique to OCD but is certainly exacerbated by it: Many of these generic answers are designed to be used quickly and defensively. While it's our natural tendency as Obsessive-Compulsives to seek out the truth and the most detailed truth at that, sometimes, people need space; and it is anything if not difficult to give them this space and properly balance oneself.

The bullet proof vest for this situation is to take a moment to explain to your partner that you will give him or her space when he/she requests it. This being said, emphasize that because of how you usually deal with situations, this is hard for you, and therefore will require honesty. Explain that you expect that if you are in a situation where someone is just not interested in talking or needs some privacy, s/he will tell you so and do so without requiring mind reading.

The moral of this editorial, if there's really any redeeming value other than comedic relief, is to persuade you to take the time to sit down with your partner at a moment when it's appropriate, and let her/him know that you are aware sometimes people say things they don't mean, even things that are the opposite of what they mean. Explain that for you, no must mean no, and yes must mean yes.

I can't count on my fingers alone the number of relationships between two healthy adults without OCD that could have been saved with this sort of conversation and mindset.

It is because OCD is SO permeated with doubt and insecurity that I must advise you to be as honest as possible with your partner. Let him or her know. Someone worth dating and learning about and loving is also someone worth being honest with. If she has made it to your dating world, that means she is interested in you. If she is interested in you for the right reasons and cares, see if you can't find a time to cover this conversation.

You can even blame me. I've recommended blaming me for a number of things, and this is one situation in which I would advise it. Tell your partner, “I read this weird article by some guy who writes about OCD and even has a book coming out (shameless plug), and he had all this crazy stuff about relationships. You should read this.”

This is just some unsolicited advice. As I've said, OCD is different with everyone, and it is most certainly unpredictably so with relationships, so who knows what works best for you. I'm merely relaying what is best for me and what works for me. As it stands, I should probably get back to my girlfriend of two years who has developed a tolerance for my late night writing binges.

After almost two years, you know I must have had a good talk about this sort of thing. Something must have worked. Good luck, and know I'm praying for you. Dating is a crazy world; we're just trying to make it a little less life-threatening and more OCD friendly.

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Going To College With OCD
by Lori J. Kasmen, Psy.D.

The Anxiety and Agoraphobia Treatment Center
Bala Cynwyd, PA 19004

You've made the decision to move away from home to go to college! Congrats!! As a teen with OCD, you will be faced with unique challenges and wonderful opportunities. College is the start of many new relationships,new friends, professors, roommates and, perhaps, a new therapist. If you're already in treatment, your current therapist can help you to make the transition to a new therapist. If you are not currently in treatment with a therapist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for OCD now is a great time to get the treatment. Experts agree it is most effective for OCD!

You may want to consider the school's proximity to the CBT-trained providers when making your college selection. The OC Foundation is a great resource to help you locate a CBT-trained therapist. If there are not CBT trained therapists near your school, most schools have college counseling centers that provide free therapy. Counselors that are not trained in CBT for OCD, may be willing to learn. Many CBT-trained therapists are willing to consult with therapists wanting to learn to do CBT for OCD.

Once you've made your decision about schools and lined up a therapist lined up, you may want to schedule some sessions with that person during the summer before your freshman year. This alleviates the stress of having to adjust to a new therapist while you are adjusting to college life. Your old therapist and your new therapist can help you with another important task: BE PREPARED. Think about OCD triggers that may arise at school and plan on how you will deal with them. Then plan how you will deal with all of the things that you don't have a plan for. Think about how and with whom you will share information about your OCD. Remember that three of every 100 kids has OCD-this means that there will most likely be other kids at your school with OCD. This is a great opportunity to meet other kids with it! You may even want to speak with your college counseling center about starting an OCD GOAL group on campus.

A teen diagnosed with OCD, under a set of rules and regulations called IDEA, may be entitled to additional support or accommodations at college. This can help to keep things manageable. Depending on your situation, this can include financial, academic and/or counseling supports. You can check with your high school counselor, special education department, current therapist or college's student support office. It may have a different name at other schools but would be the resource for students with learning disabilities.

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Alcohol, Drugs And Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
by Evelyn Stewart, M.D.

This article continues the Organized Chaos webzine series on the topic of OCD and drugs.

This article will discuss the use of street drugs and alcohol by OCD youth.

Many adolescents experiment with substance use, and between 10-20% of teens have a drug or alcohol problem. The risks of using alcohol and drugs for youth with OCD are even greater.

There are three main reasons why alcohol, street drugs and OCD don't mix well:

The first is alcohol and street drugs may increase anxiety through their chemical effects on the brain. They are often used by teens wanting to "relax," to "have fun," or to "party". These substances may increase anxiety. Alcohol, marijuana (pot, weed), Ecstasy, Ketamine (special K), Mescaline (mesc) and cocaine are drugs that can lead to increased general anxiety, panic attacks, obsessions and compulsions.

The second main reason why alcohol and street drugs don't mix well with OCD is they lead to or to worsen depression. They do this through their chemical activity in the brain. OCD-affected teens are at an increased risk for depression. Drinking alcohol and using street drugs increases this vulnerability.

The third reason why alcohol, street drugs and OCD don't mix well is that their chemical effects may interfere with OCD medications. Mixing many types of OCD medication with either alcohol or drugs may change levels of medication in the bloodstream. This is dangerous and can lead to increased side effects, accidental overdose or to decreased effectiveness of the OCD medication.

This article is meant to help OCD-affected youth to learn about some important aspects of OCD and its treatment. This information will help with decision-making about what you want to put in your body. If you use street drugs or alcohol, it is a good idea to mention this to your doctor they can provide more specific details on how they affect your OCD and your medications.

S. Evelyn Stewart, M.D. can be contacted through the Department of Children and Adolescents' Psychiatry, Massachusetts General Hospital. She is the recipient of the OCF Research Award in 2003, and is a psychiatrist and research fellow at the MGH/Harvard Medical School.

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